Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Chronicles of Blah-nia

I'm disappointed. That's the best way to state my feelings after watching Chronicles of Narnia last night. It should have been an incredible movie that followed in the same vein as Lord of the Rings. I should have walked from the theatre feeling like taking up a sword against the legions of the White Witch. Instead, I just wanted to take up a sword against the director. So, because I was forced to see one of my favorite books be mangled horribly on film, here is a list of my complaints:

1) Just because you directed the two Shrek films does not mean that you're ready to direct a live-action film, and especially not one on such a grand scale. Direct a little indie... where you learn to actually DIRECT human beings... and then try a large scale film. I was amazed to see that the human actors looked more wooden and fake than the CG actors did around them.

2) Ray Winstone's the shiznit, but let's not make him read lines of dialogue written by a mentally retarded chav somewhere in London. Referring to Aslan as a "geezer?" Sheesh! They should be abashed!!!

3) Here's some other UK slang for you: minger. It means "one who is ugly as hell," such as the girl that played Lucy. Damn! Seriously, who picked these ugly ass kids? I know for certain that there are better looking people in the UK, and they obviously weren't picked for their fine acting skills. Nor at any time did I identify with these kids, or not want them to die harshly and severly at the hands of the White Witch. I just wanted to go to Narnia to slap Susan around for a good twenty minutes, letting her know that no one likes an uppity whiney-ass bitch. *whack!*

4) Why the hell did the White Witch have nasty dreadlocks? Dear UK: please stop this ridiculous trend of white people with dreadlocks!!!! Actually, Dear World: dreadlocks are disgusting. Please knock it off.

5) Obviously WETA Workshop does their best work under the watchful eye of Peter Jackson. Then again, his best people were a little preoccupied with King Kong, so Chronicles of Narnia probably got the digital effects sloppy seconds.

So, was there anything that you maybe did like, Rick?

1) Tilda Swinton: what a great actress! Even with what was obviously some of the worst directing in Hollywood today, she still shines and manages to steal every scene that she's in. Despite having to wear horrible costumes that made her shoulders look like they'd been borrowed from a linebacker, she still looked good. Tilda Swinton made the White Witch the cold hard bitch she needed to be.

2) None of the gawd-awful Contemporary Christian Music on the soundtrack actually made it into the film. And the crowds issued a mighty "hallelujah!" However, it should be noted that the pimping of Jesus will have a mighty upswing in the near future with the release of a CS Lewis film... even if it was very poorly done.

Lisbians, Lisbians Everywhere

This weekend has been a fun-filled adventure here in Portugal. Since I last blogged, I've dined at hip Lisboa restauruants, drank a lot of straight espresso shots, traveled to the center of Portugal, ate blood sausage, ate fat sausage, drank liquor made from manure (seriously!), walked in a monastery built by the Knights Templar, and watched a movie in Lisbon. Oh, and to top it off, I didn't have a bowel movement for almost a week. Ack!

All in all, it's been an incredible time here in Lisbon so far. I've seen things I never thought I would, and ate things I never thought I would. Am I actually learning to have an adventurous spirit? Now pass me the blood sausage... I'm hungry!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

On being poor white trash...

Iºve never felt like poor white trash as much as I did wandering the trendy shopping district of Lisbon yesterday. As I wandered by Hugo Boss, Louis Vuitton, and other trendy shops Iºve never heard of (but certainly looked comparable) I suddenly felt like an absolute nobody. Suddenly my Gap shirt and trousers just werenºt very nice. My new Vans have cool factor galore, but certainly not in those shops. I was so embarassed that I didnºt even go into the shops. I just looked in the window and drooled at the black pinstripe wool driving coat, and gasped aloud at the 700 Euro price tag.

Then, thankfully, I found H & M, who has nice clothes at reasonable prices. I might go back there and get a sweater I was looking at. It was only 20 Euros, and dammit, even this white trash can afford that.

PS I am typing this on Ruiºs laptop, and thus the use of a degree sign instead of an apostrophe.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Picture This

I'm posting a few random photos, just because I haven't for a while.

This photo was taken at the City Centre market. The sign had Syndie and I in stitches. The weird thing is, it has the same inuendo over here, but we were the only ones laughing. Oh well.

This is Charlie and I on my birthday. Charlie gave me a hilarious card, and the fun purple fluffy "R" pen.

This is the Plymouth Hoe's lighthouse at sunset one afternoon. I'd say night, but the sun sets about 4pm over here. Watching the sun set at the Hoe over the ocean has a very cathartic effect on my heart. Suddenly, I can go to the City Centre and not feel the excessive need to hockey check the chavs that walk directly into me. I can shrug it off and go on my merry way.

Christmas and New Years

I just want to wish everyone a good Holiday season (Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanzaa, whatever else you may subscribe to) and a Happy New Year!

I'll be leaving Monday morning at 3am on a train to London, and then hopping on a plane for sunny Lisbon, Portugal. I'll be spending Christmas with Rui and his family, and then bumming around Lisbon for about a week. I'm excited for the trip, and think it will be a lot of fun. If nothing else, I can now say that I've been to continental Europe, and not feel like a complete waste for not seeing much of the world while I've been here so far.

I'll then be leaving the Lisbians (teehee) on the 31st to arrive in London. I'll be hanging out with Syndie and Lady Charlie for New Years shenanigans. We've decided that even if we're just wandering the streets doing nothing, we can say that we spent New Years Eve in London. That's hot. Chances are, we'll be looking down the entire time, avoiding stepping in vomit, since the British seem to have a penchant for spraying vomit all over the streets, and just leaving it. Gross, I know. I look at the ground a lot at night now.

I'm excited to have this break (though not from work... that's another long story.) I can sleep without Sarah's drunk ass waking me at 3am, and no crappy thumpa-thumpa trance from Laura's room all hours of the day. Hooray!! Now, if only I could find some quality time to sit on a couch alone in my underwear, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I'd be a very happy man.

On turning 29

My life isn't where I thought it would be at this age. I figured I'd have made more of it by now. And while I don't really regret being where I'm at, during this stage of life, I do look back at my time here on earth and wonder if it could have been better served. Ah... such is life.

My friends here in Plymouth surprised me with a fantastic birthday full of activities. I'll do a minute breakdown of the events for you, because I know everyone loves the minute details of my life as much as I do. Ha!

Dinner: Rui and I went to an early dinner at the Ganges. The Ganges is an Indian place not too far from my flat that gives you 50% off the price of food if you dine in. I don't get it... it should be the other way around. However, not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I dine and appreciate my hearty discount.

Concert: After dinner, Rui surprised me with tickets to see the Chemical Brothers. I'd not gotten tickets to the show, because I figured it would just be two guys twirling knobs to a pre-recorded track. I was pleasantly surprised by the most amazing video display that I've ever seen. I was awestruck by some of the video scenes that they used, and just stood with my mouth open while people raved around me. At one point, the video was so incredibly moving, I started feeling that teary tingling around the edges of my eyes. Yeah... I'm a huge dork.

Party: After the concert, I came back to a surprise party that my friends here were nice enough to throw for me. It's the first surprise party I've ever had. It was also the first birthday party I've had since I turned 21. It just made the whole day that much more special. Syndie's blogged a great entry about the birthday party here.

All in all, it was a great day. I'm now teetering on the edge of 30, still not knowing what I'm going to do with my life, but for one great day, it didn't matter at all.