Chronicles of Blah-nia

I'm disappointed. That's the best way to state my feelings after watching Chronicles of Narnia last night. It should have been an incredible movie that followed in the same vein as Lord of the Rings. I should have walked from the theatre feeling like taking up a sword against the legions of the White Witch. Instead, I just wanted to take up a sword against the director. So, because I was forced to see one of my favorite books be mangled horribly on film, here is a list of my complaints:

1) Just because you directed the two Shrek films does not mean that you're ready to direct a live-action film, and especially not one on such a grand scale. Direct a little indie... where you learn to actually DIRECT human beings... and then try a large scale film. I was amazed to see that the human actors looked more wooden and fake than the CG actors did around them.

2) Ray Winstone's the shiznit, but let's not make him read lines of dialogue written by a mentally retarded chav somewhere in London. Referring to Aslan as a "geezer?" Sheesh! They should be abashed!!!

3) Here's some other UK slang for you: minger. It means "one who is ugly as hell," such as the girl that played Lucy. Damn! Seriously, who picked these ugly ass kids? I know for certain that there are better looking people in the UK, and they obviously weren't picked for their fine acting skills. Nor at any time did I identify with these kids, or not want them to die harshly and severly at the hands of the White Witch. I just wanted to go to Narnia to slap Susan around for a good twenty minutes, letting her know that no one likes an uppity whiney-ass bitch. *whack!*

4) Why the hell did the White Witch have nasty dreadlocks? Dear UK: please stop this ridiculous trend of white people with dreadlocks!!!! Actually, Dear World: dreadlocks are disgusting. Please knock it off.

5) Obviously WETA Workshop does their best work under the watchful eye of Peter Jackson. Then again, his best people were a little preoccupied with King Kong, so Chronicles of Narnia probably got the digital effects sloppy seconds.

So, was there anything that you maybe did like, Rick?

1) Tilda Swinton: what a great actress! Even with what was obviously some of the worst directing in Hollywood today, she still shines and manages to steal every scene that she's in. Despite having to wear horrible costumes that made her shoulders look like they'd been borrowed from a linebacker, she still looked good. Tilda Swinton made the White Witch the cold hard bitch she needed to be.

2) None of the gawd-awful Contemporary Christian Music on the soundtrack actually made it into the film. And the crowds issued a mighty "hallelujah!" However, it should be noted that the pimping of Jesus will have a mighty upswing in the near future with the release of a CS Lewis film... even if it was very poorly done.