I Hate Myspace

I'll probably be attacked for saying this, but I hate Myspace. I'd rather die of herpessyphilghonnoraids than even start a myspace account. I had a friend say he wouldn't speak to me unless I started a myspace page. I told him I'd never speak to him if he had one, and probably kill him. We've since decided to agree to disagree.

Here are my main reasons for hating Myspace:

1) The early-adopters in the myspace craze were not the type of people I want to cozy up to. Namely, doofy high schoolers and vapid college students. You know, the ones who consider RaNDomiZed CaPITolS 2 B HoT!! I won't even go into leet speek and other atrocities against the English language at this point. I know language evolves and all, but conforming to stupidity because American pop culture needs to be dictated by 16-year-olds? No thanks.

2) My eyes! My freakin' eyes! The average myspace page makes my eyes melt in my head, gives me an anyeurism, and makes me break out in shingles. That's even before the stupid YouTube videos start playing and hogging up bandwidth.

Note: If you must create a Myspace page, please follow these tips on making it aesthetically pleasing. And by "must" I mean "socialists are going to murder and eat your family live on television if you don't conceed." Oh, and never ask me to visit or become one of your tacky online friends. I'll stab your eyes out with a shrimp fork, which brings us to...

3) The freakish online popularity contests that happen with the friends option. I thought it was laughable in high school, but now it's pushed over into the cyber world. If you don't have at least 30 friends, you're a complete loser. And let's face it, maybe only two or three are actually friends. The rest of you are just link-whoring to each other for false popularity. I've even seen blog entries begging people to go sign up as their friends on myspace.

Maybe I'm just old, maybe I'm just cranky, maybe I need to just lighten up. Either way, at the end of the day, I still hate Myspace.