Fear and Loathing in Pocatello

I'm wallowing in self loathing right now. I should have gone to church this morning, but I didn't. I convinced myself that I didn't have to go because I didn't feel good, and due to waking up late, had little time to get ready properly. A shower before church is a good thing, especially if your curly hair needs to be tamed daily by a good conditioner. I also convinced myself that watching "Angelina Ballerina" on PBS this morning was a better use of my time. Bad Rick! Bad Rick!!

I'm just frustrated with myself. I still haven't figured out those spiritual issues I've been struggling with, but worse, I just ignore them and hope they'll go away. They never go away though, and just continue to grow larger the more I ignore them. I also know that I'll be asked by others why I wasn't there. If I felt they really cared, it would be one thing, but I feel like they're only asking to make sure I'm not up to something bad. Kevin sent me an email this week, saying that he missed me and hoped I was doing well. It was a nice gesture, but it cheesed me off that he didn't just walk across the street from his work to mine, or give me a call. The personal touch makes it much more meaningful.

I struggle with going to church for a few reasons. The first is that I'm upset with God right now about a few things. Actually, that's putting it rather lightly. I think I've just given up on God. I feel like I've lost my faith, and that in the grander scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. The second reason is that I don't feel like anyone at church really gives a crap about me anymore. Jace and Becki are the only ones that take any personal interest in my life, but it tends to only happen one day every other week. We were such good friends before they got married, but that always changes things. It sucks that Becki was one of my best friends, but I'm not even allowed to spend time alone with her, because people thought something improper was going on. Dammit! I'm so tired of having my life dicatated by what someone may or may not think of me.

So, I'm slowly learning how to be more open (eg. less shallow) on this thing. It's hard enough to write those heartfelt emotions and thoughts down when I'm the only one that will read them, but it's freaking horrible when I know others might actually read this. Maybe I need to just worry about audience less, and just write from the heart. I'll keep that in consideration.