Sipping on Haterade

I've come to the realization that I'm a hater. The problem is that I'm not totally sure which category of hater I am. All I know is that there are a certain few ladies that I really do not like. I'm not misogynistic by nature, just towards these lucky ladies. With the fear of becoming another Maddox rip-off, here's the list:

Paris Hilton: I realized that I tend to say mean things about Paris a lot, leaving me to wonder why. Is it because I think she's a whore? Yes. Is it because she's a whore that made a homemade porno, then cried when it got released on the internet? Yes. Is it because she's an impossibly whiney whore starring in internet porn? Yes. It it because she's a now pretends to be innocent although she's a whiney poor-man's porn whore? Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. I'll also admit that I am jealous of her in a way. A big way. A multi-billion dollar type of way. Seriously, how is it that she becomes famous for annoying the hell out of me, and then has more money than your average third world nation? Life is not fair.

Jessica Simpson: Seemingly, I am one of the only men that doesn't want to punch this broad in her implants. I HATE dumb women! I don't find it cute, I don't think they're funny because they're airheads, and I don't think it makes my chances of getting in their panties skyrocket, just because they're too dumb to spell their own name correctly. Normally, I'm not for demanding reproductive rights, but when it comes to people like Jessica and Nick, I'm all about selective breeding. Can we get an IQ test attached to wedding certificates, please? Oh, and she needs to be beaten for unleashing her sister on the unsuspecting world.

Beyonce Knowles: Do you hear that? That cat with terminal cancer that happens to be in heat? What?!? That's not a cat?!!? That's Beyonce doing her strangled bird warble...and she's getting paid how much for that crap? "Body's too bootyliscioaarhrahahrharrahaaarrrrgghhhaaarrrgghhhious for you baaaaaybeeeeeee" Come on girl! You can't sing. If that's singing, my neighbor's cat would be the new American Idol.

Tara Reid: Lay off the cigarettes, you Kim Carnes wannabe. How could you not figure out that one of your breasts had fallen out of your dress, while hundreds of paparrazi are snapping pictures like crazy? However, hearing comments about your implant fiasco, with the nickname of Frankennipple being thrown around, makes me hate you a little less this year.

Kelly Rippa: The antithesis of the welfare queen, this woman does it all, and with a gusto to be admired. Too bad everything she does is crap! She would be King Midas, if everything he had touched turned to fecal matter, rather than gold. Regis and Kelly - hate it. Hope and Faith - even the people in the canned laugh tracks aren't convinced. Anything else she does - absolutely hate it, just because she's part of it. Does Regis have to take you to the gas station every morning to fill your head with the air compressor, so that you can make your astoundingly thoughtful comments? Again: file under "I hate stupid chicks."

Well, now that my little rant is over, I'm starting to realize what flavor of Haterade I've been sipping on. Seems to be "Bleached blonde airhead talentless media whore" that makes my blood boil. The difference between me and them? I'm a brunette.

I think this concludes the current streak of mean. I promise the next one will be all about kittens and rainbows.