I remember my friend Kasey telling me that on his farm growing up, sometimes the cows would get this weird stomach bloating, and the easiest solution was to pierce the cow with a pitchfork to let the air out. I'm sure the story was a lie, but you have to give him points for creativity.
So why do I make mention of this? No, there's no need to call PETA yet. Instead, I make mention of this because there's a certain SBB (Stupid Blonde Bitch) I'd love to stab with a pitchfork. No, it's not Cameron Diaz, or even uber-whore Tara Reid. Although I certainly despise those two walking VD containment fields, this blog entry is reserved for a very special bitch. If Dante had written about the various circles of SBBs, as opposed to Hell (though the two tend to run hand in hand,) this one would be at the centre, sucking on Satan's teat.
Who's the lucky lady? Miss Brandi Swindell of Boise, Idaho! (Ooh! Spelled with an "i"! How SBB!) Brandi, like most SBBs is uppity, opinionated, and thinks she's Gawd's gift to mankind. Yes, she's the self-agrandizing twat we've witnessed in all of it's various SBB forms. So, what's so special about this SBB? She think's she's Gawd's new right hand of justice. Sort of like the Count of Monte Cristo, minus Guy Pierce's emaciated skeleton face. But most importantly, as Gawd's new appointed Right Hand, she's out to sanitize life for everyone in Idaho, and then on to the world! Hoo-ray!
Brandi first went SBB attention whoring during the Salt Lake olympics. She was a lone voice of sanity fighting that condoms NOT be distributed to the athletes. As Gawd's Right Hand (GRH), Brandi knew better than everyone else that athletes would not have sex if there were no condoms available. Instead, they would spend all of their free time reading the Word of Gawd and evangelising each other. Yeah, right. Unfortunately for Brandi, this was the WINTER olympics, where people only give a crap about ice skating. Male ice skater = GAY!!! Don't worry honey, there wouldn't have been any unwanted pregnancies anyway. Maybe a miscarried butt baby or two, but that's it.
Fresh from the rush of this self-congratulatory act that amounted to performing fellatio on Gawd (hmm... still not struck by lightning yet) Brandi went on to run for City Council in Boise. Because cerainly, if things worked out for Elle Woods in Legally Blonde 2, they must work for Brandi as GRH. Honestly, I don't know if she won or not. I hate Boise, so I could care less. A pox on Boise and their new GRH of the moment! Sheesh, that city and their religious martyrs! Where are some lions and a colliseum when you need to show them what a martyr really is. Seriously, read some Fox's Book of Martyrs, you whiney twats. Oops! I digress.
Lately, Brandi has not only been GRH in general life, but is now a special lobbyist for Gawd himself. As GRH, she has fought for Women's Rights. Well, for Brandi's right to tell women what to do, and how to do it, anyway. I'm sure the last thing she's done for female minorities like hispanic women was buy some potatoes at Albertsons, or got a new cleaning lady at the condo her parents pay for. I somehow doubt she's going to adopt any unwanted children soon, although she might in the future to avoid unsightly stretch marks. Then again, I'm sure Gawd wouldnt' allow GRH to get stretch marks. He might knock her up right before she gets married, and demand the child be named Jesus or something, but certainly not stretch marks. That would be ludicrous!
She's also been fighting those dastardly homos from getting married by fighting for a constitutional amendment in Idaho. Picking on ice skaters again? What's this girl's issue? Does Gawd think ice rinks are "unnatural" too? Ice + Summer = Certain Evil.
Another of Brandi's pet projects is the Constitutional Restoration Act of Idaho. While it may sound all summertime feel good with an urban redevelopment twist, it's a scary act. It's being propogated through the state as an act of preserving Relgious Freedom, which to a point it is. As long as you're white, privileged, and CHRISTIAN... your religion will be protected. Phew! Here's what the Idaho ACLU has to say about the proposed bill. If even 1/200th of it is true, it should send shivers down your spine. Unless you aline with the current Reich Wing Christofacists, in which case, you'll probably need a moist towelette to go cleanse yourself (although you have no idea what I'm talking about.)
o The Constitution Restoration Act of 2005, introduced in March 2005 and co-sponsored by Senator Larry Craig and Representative Butch Otter, would deny ALL federal courts - INCLUDING the U.S. Supreme Court - of any jurisdiction to review cases challenging a government official acknowledgment of "God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government."
o Specifically, the Act would slam shut the federal court house doors to religious minorities, parents, schoolchildren and others who seek nothing more than to have their religious and free speech claims heard before the courts most uniquely suited to entertain such claims.
o The Constitution Restoration Act also serves as a punitive measure, providing for the impeachment of judges for fulfilling their constitutional duties to review laws that potentially violate the Constitution itself.
o Additionally, the Constitution Restoration Act states that no federal court, including the U.S. Supreme Court, may rely upon international law, except that from English constitutional and common law prior to the adoption of the U.S. Constitution.
o By preventing individuals from addressing their constitutional grievances in federal court, the Act inevitably violates principles of separation of powers, equal protection, and due process.
o It also undermines public confidence in the federal courts by expressing outright hostility toward them, threatens the legitimacy of future congressional action by removing the federal courts as a neutral arbiter, and rejects the unifying function of the federal judiciary by denying federal courts the opportunity to interpret the law. This would potentially create a situation where we could have as many as 50 different interpretations of any relevant federal constitutional question.
o This bill is dangerous and reactionary pieces of legislation in response to unpopular court decisions.
Great idea Idaho. Let's follow this SBB as GRH and make this a law. Then, when the federal government realizes that we just commited an act that's tatamount to treason, we can all giggle together and say "just kidding!" Right.
I hate politics, despise them actually, but I hate uppity SBBs even more. I'm pissed that I just lost an hour of my life complaining about this Reich Winger. Brandi, if I see you when I get back to Idaho, expect a pitchfork to the head. Consider it payment for all of your hard work.
